A Most Interesting Assignment

This morning after breakfast (wheat Chex, a tortilla with honey, coffee, and cottage cheese), I noticed that I had a message on my cell phone. I had missed the call because I'd been listening to the Beach Boys at a rather loud level.

The message was from my brother. This is all the message said:

"K... It's T. I have a special assignment for you. Call me back immediately."

Of course, my interest was piqued.

Before I begin the rest of the story, I should preface the tale by saying that my brother and his wife are in the business of buying up old apartment buildings, upgrading the units, and then selling them to make a nice profit. My brother is the finance guy and his wife is the interior designer so it works out well.

Anyway -- I called my brother back right away, and we had this conversation:

Me: Hey, it's me. What's my assignment?

T: Hey... I have something that is right up your alley, and I think you have the time to help me with this.

Me: (skeptically) OK... what?

T: Well, we're getting ready to put the units on the market in our newest building. But the problem is that the building doesn't have a name... and it needs a name.

Me: Ooooo, can I name it?!?

T: I need you to do some research for me. The deal is that with all of our other buildings, we've just named them after the street that they're on... like Cherry Street Place or the Greenway Park Plaza or whatever. But this building is on a numbered street, and it doesn't sound very nice to say the "101st Street Building" so it needs a better name.

Me: (fantasizing about how this is in fact the perfect job for me... I mean, I read nail polish color names and lipstick names and Glidden paint chip names -- ie: Creme de la Creme Brulee or Pouty Peach and know I could do better... and now I have a whole building to work with! Yes!) So I get to name the building?!?!?!?!?

T: Yeah, but not just any name. The trick is that the building is kind of ugly. It has these tiny windows that are really high up on the walls, and C. (his wife) and I call it "The Penitentiary" to each other. So we want to give it a name that has something to do with prisons, but not so that any potential tenants would know it. You know, we can't really name it Alcatraz or San Quentin because we don't think anyone would want to buy a unit there. So you need to find something more subtle, but still prison-ish.

Me: How about Auschwitz?

T: Yeah, because we have little swastika tiles in all the kitchen backsplashes so that would be awesome!

Me: But probably not the best selling point. I'm living in the "Bergen Belsen." And you?

T: Yeah, I'm in the Sachsenhausen. That would be a winner.

Me: OK, I can do this. I'll find some really looney prison with a crazy story that no one's ever heard of and you can name it that. Just give me a few hours on Google.

And we left it at that.

After many a prison search on Wikipedia, I finally found the winner (agreed to by my brother and his wife as well)... the Bridewell.

Here's the basic information about it...

The Bridewell was once a Royal Palace of Henry VIII on the banks of the river Fleet before becoming London's first house of correction, where small time crooks were put to work and beaten to help correct their disorderly ways. There were public whippings of half naked women, and a gallery was built to house a male audience for this display. The whippings were stopped towards the end of the 17th century, with the prison closing by 1855, the women prisoners being sent to the newly built Holloway Prison.

London's first real prison built by Henry VIII! Perfect!

It was also a labor camp for women...

... painted by the 18th century artist Hogarth.

In fact, the Bridewell Palace Prison was so notorious that if you look up "bridewell" in the dictionary today, you will find that it is synonymous with the word "prison" in the UK. But unsuspecting Yank consumers will never guess a thing.

Welcome to the Bridewell, dear buyers... bwaaaaaahahahahahhahahahaha!