Tucson's Biggest Cockroach

CONTINUED...

When I got home from the pool party, I had my wet towel in my hand so I immediately headed toward my bathroom so I could hang it on a hook to dry.

I turned on the light in my bathroom...

I saw movement in my sink...

And I screamed when I saw the largest roach I've ever seen in my life...

This is him...

Mind you, this photo was taken post-mortem so his legs were curled under his body, making him appear smaller. In life, he was a fucking monster.

Without a doubt, he was at least two inches in length and at least an inch wide. And his front antennae were so huge, they looked like pieces of barbed wire or yarn.

He was so humongous that he could not get down the drain when he saw me come in the room. (I am still trying to figure out how he got into the sink in the first place, as he was far too large to fit through any of the bathroom orifices, except maybe the shower drain, and then he had a long hike from the shower.*)

Needless to say, I was mildly hysterical. I had dropped my towel, run to my kitchen, and was jumping up and down trying to figure out what to do.

I will not lie when I say that this thought popped immediately in my head: "Oh my God, why don't I live with a man? If only a man were here."

My second thought was... no, I must kill him. I can do this.

My third thought was... should I crush him with a phone book? No. Too messy.

Final thought... use the can of Raid under the sink.

So I grabbed the can, took my place in the bathroom doorway (at least two feet away from the sink) and sprayed the crap out of him with a long and steady chemical stream.

I must have used a quarter of the bottle. The thing would not die.

Finally, he stopped running frantically in the basin and began slowing down. Then he began to atrophy a bit while his front legs quivered.

I let him writhe around for a good five minutes (alone) while I put my next plan into action... how to remove him from the sink.

There was no way I was going to use a Kleenex or paper towel -- I mean, what if he came back alive and tried to get out of my hand? Plus, I would be able to feel his disgusting legs and shell through the soft paper material.

Luckily, I had some styrofoam cups left over from my thesis defense snack tray so I grabbed two of those, and after ensuring the creature was no longer in any way still spasming, I scooped him (with great horror) from one cup into the other, where I immediately put the other cup on top of him -- again, in case he came back alive -- and ran, literally ran, to the garbage can in the alley, where I placed him and his cup coffin. (I wasn't about to risk putting him in any of my own garbage cans inside my home.)

And so this is how I ended the 4th of July.
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* I guess my landlord wasn't kidding last summer when he sent all of his tenants this notice about sewer roach infestation.