Agricultural Rap

OK, I just applied for a job. Don't laugh... here's the position I applied for... it's a "Fruit & Vegetable Marketing Specialist" at the Department of Agriculture's Marketing & Regulatory Programs.

I mentioned last night over drinks with Ben, Ingrid, and their friend Simon (visiting from U. of Chicago) that I was in the process of applying for this rather curiously titled job. I also mentioned that my latest blog entry involved the Chicago Bears "Super Bowl Shuffle," and I indulged them by rapping a few choice lines as I re-lived my 1980s rap fantasies.

This led Ingrid to suggest that I should include a "fruit rap" as part of my application... you know, in order to get noticed for my marketing creativity.


Yo suckas... get ready to dance...

Armed with several beers, a pen, and a small notepad, here is the rap we came up with (and mind you, we are all extremely Caucasian, or Jewish, in the case of Ben) in support of our Department of Agriculture's fine products:

If you want to roll with my bitch
You better know that meat is kitsch
Don't stick yo dick in that foreign ho
Sink yo teeth in an American mango
We like to smoke the crack cocaine
and eat the U.S. produced grain
Don't buy that Chinese SARS rice
'Cuz our homey's grits are nice
And don't go to Thailand.... fuck the kiddie porn
Ya'll should sit on my giant ear of corn
Yo yo baby, I pop yo cherry
Then feed you this ripe strawberry
Yo yo Niacin... fuck it, that's a sin
Melonballs & wasabi peans...
shout out to my gangster G's
Department of Agriculture
Blast a cap in your ass
If you season your 'tatos with lemongrass
So don't hit the pipe if you can't swipe
Grade A butter 'cuz it's so ripe
I be yo pimp washin' my shrimp
for safety's sake 'cuz I like it baked
You my ho and I'm your pimp
And we can smoke on this parsnip.

Oh my god. That is so awesome. And so bad. I LOVE IT!!!