And the woodpecker saga continues...

I declare WAR on the piece of crap, idiot, moron, retard Gila Woodpecker who makes my life HELL every morning...

Today, it was non-stop brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... (3-5 second pause) ... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... (me hitting the heat vent with my hand) ... (pause long enough for me to get into bed and close my eyes) ...... (tip tap of little talons perching on the metal cap of the pipe)... (me bracing for noise)... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (repeat above sequence) ....

From 6:11 a.m until 8:02 a.m., I suffered through this miserable and monotonous game. I definitely considered going outside and flailing rocks at its puny little imbecile head, but I knew it would just return after a few minutes as I re-nestled myself under my comforter. So instead, I called my apartment manager and had a conversation that sounded something like this:

Lynda: Hello?

Me: Yes, hello, Lynda. This is Kit in apartment 736. I have a bit of a strange question...

Lynda: (warily) Yes? (Thinking, "oh no, it's the girl in 736 again")

Me: Well, I have a bit of a problem with a woodpecker who seems to think that the extra long metal pipe sticking out of my apartment's roof is actually a silver cactus.

Lynda: (clearly skeptical) Um hmmmm...

Me: It sits on top of the pipe and drills its beak into the metal incessantly from 6am until 8am every morning for the past two weeks. And you know, I would not normally complain about something like this, but, you know, it's ummm, just really LOUD.

Lynda: Oh my. (Clearly thinking, "and all I'm getting is discounted rent to deal with this crap?")

Me: And, well, I don't like complaining about things, but umm, well, it's been two weeks now that this bird has woken me up at 6 a.m., and so I was wondering if Hoyt (our Shadoe Stevens/Arnold Schwarzenegger "Bluetooth" phone-wearing landlord) could maybe consider putting a block of wood or a piece of plastic or maybe even one of those fake owls on the pipe to keep the bird from doing this.



Lynda: OK...



Me: I mean, I would do it myself if I had a ladder, but I don't, and I just can't keep going on like this. Plus, really, the bird could also be causing damage to the vent pipe with all that pecking. (my tactic to get the landlord involved)

Lynda: Oh, absolutely. (sounds very fake) I'll call him right away and see what we can do.

Me: (groveling) Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Lynda: Sure. (thinking: "crazy broad") I'll give you a call as soon as I talk to Hoyt and figure out what he plans to do.

Hmmm, well, that was exactly 13 hours ago, and I haven't received a phone call back yet. If I'm getting dissed by Hoyt on this, I am going to have to take matters into my own hands. Oh my god, what does that mean? What will I do? I'm just dreading the 6 a.m. hour tomorrow...

My options:

1. Climb onto the roof somehow myself and set a trap for ignoramus bird. (Suggestions welcome for the trap).

2. Set off a smoke bomb and direct smoke up the heat vent and hope I don't get smoked out of my own apartment.

3. Buy a beebee gun at a local redneck gunshop and then lay in wait at 6 a.m. in the parking lot area for the bird.

4. Buy a hacksaw and cut down the vent pipe so it's not as tall as a saguaro cactus on the roof and will match the normal size of my neighbors' vent pipes.

5. Connect live electrical wiring through the heat vent and up the pipe, causing mass electrical shock to the bird when it lands on the pipe. Or better yet, just call the guys at "Birdbgone"...

6. Climb to the roof at 6 a.m. and slather super glue all over the top of the vent. Bird sticks, festers, and decays on vent, precluding any other woodpecker from following the routine.

I am open to further plots. Please help me in my one-woman vs. one-bird war...


Bring it on, Woodpecker...