The Pet Rabbit Project

Last Friday, when I was racing out my door (late as usual) to meet my friends to go to the dance recital, I was stopped by my neighbor, Sarah. She wondered if I'd lost a rabbit.

"A rabbit? Like, a real rabbit or a stuffed rabbit?"

"No, a real rabbit... a flop-eared, black rabbit. "

Turns out that: a) no, I hadn't lost a rabbit, and b) luckily Glenn Close was nowhere around because there was the cutest little black rabbit hopping around our apartment courtyard. Sarah had caught him and put him in a cooler, and there he was sitting on her front porch. I "ooohed and aaahed" for a minute and then had to race out the door, but a couple of days later (Monday, to be exact), I wondered what had become of the cute little bunny.

I headed over to Sarah's apartment and found her filling an animal carrier with sawdust. Apparently, the rabbit remained unclaimed in the neighborhood. As Sarah has two cats and two snakes already (and dead mice carcusses in the freezer to feed the snakes... so gross), she doesn't want another pet. Um, yeah, no... that's a good idea. So contemplating having a pet, I volunteered to take the rabbit for an evening to give it a "test run."

First of all, I should admit to the world that I am not really a pet person. I blame my mother for this because she is totally against having animals in the house, ever and for any reason. My brother and I seem to have inherited this philosophy. Plus, I'm just going to be honest... I shirk from any additional responsibility in life, and pets require far too much attention than I have to give. I have a little pepper plant in my living room and my french fry plant in my bathroom, and do you know what? They are enough company for me... and enough work. Plus, and this is a big one, I am allergic to mammals (aside from humans, as far as I know). Cats, dogs, horses, etc... they make me sneeze, itch, weeze, and generally feel like crap.

So two negative points for the rabbit here. However, I thought "maybe I'm not allergic to rabbits," and maybe the rabbit would be something nice to have in this godforesaken town... a little someone to come home to after class, a cute and cuddly addition to my home. Not to mention, I had a very flamboyantly gay piano teacher when I was in high school, and he had a pet rabbit that he let hop all around the house, just like a cat. Her name was Cindy. I thought, "Well, maybe I can have a Cindy too!" How cute to have this little cuddleball jump around my house and keep me company... (Meanwhile, at the same time, this internal warning was going off in my head: ALERT ALERT! Do not become a lonely, single woman with pets! Do not head down this path! Pets do not replace friends or romance! ALERT ALERT!)

Against my better judgement, my cuddly maternal instincts won this battle. After all, this bunny was freaking cute. Plus, he actually loved to be held and snuggled right into my arms when I picked him up to bring him over to my apartment to be my Academy Award watching partner for the night. I called him Fritz.

Wouldn't you fall in love with this little guy too?

What really won me over was his big grey
back feet. Freakishly, I really am carrying him
like a baby in this picture. (No, maternal instinct,
nooooooooooooo!!!)

So Fritz hopped around, explored, sniffed, and padded about on those big grey back feet. After all, I thought it would be nice to let him roam free in my apartment, like a cat or a dog, like Cindy used to at my piano teacher's house. How cute... a house rabbit!!

This was the first sign of trouble:

He let loose a pile of turds at my front door.

Undeterred, I held him on my lap for a little while during the Oscars. He got a little impatient and wanted to explore some more. So I let him sniff around my futon (for a few seconds while deftly monitoring for any sign of bodily excretion):

Here he is behaving himself on my futon.

And then I put him back down on the floor.

And he shat again:

Turds began to proliferate on my hardwood floor.
Wherever Fritz went, poo followed.

Look at those sweet little brown eyes...

...which incidentally were the same color as his poo, which
began to dominate the evening.

I even located an isolated turd behind my futon...

...staring me in the eye, daring me to fetch a paper towel (again).

He looks so cute -- why does he have to be a poop machine?

I have a feeling he's making pellets here.

This was the culmination of my pet rabbit project (and
for the record, these are not Raisinettes)...

My evening went from analyzing Red Carpet fashions
to collecting processed and excreted rabbit food in
multiple paper towels.

I mean, he really is so adorable...

...but he's sitting on that pet carrier for a reason... he had to go.

The turd action proved too much for me.

(PS - You'll all be happy to know that Fritz is now pooping the day away at a local pre-school!)