Mr. Clean on "Dancing With the Stars"

Here's what I want to know: What in the hell is going on with Joey Lawrence?


Looking for all curly-topped, red-haired little girl orphans...

Yesterday, I was hosting "Arabic speaking club" here at U of A (with all of three attendees, none of whom is very good at Arabic), and my mother phoned me.... twice. To make sure I immediately turned on "Dancing With the Stars" upon my return home. She was loving it. All of it. Not one specific dancer -- although she seemed to momentarily revel in Emmit Smith's ballroom dance ability -- but she was rather enamoured with the whole show. I think she missed the last two seasons so it's a relatively new phenomena to her. In any case, I promised to watch it.

Now, I had seen a preview for the show recently on PerezHilton (junk tabloid website I'm addicted to) so I knew that Joey Lawrence, our favorite little bowl-cut 80s wonder from "Gimme A Break!" was going to be on the show...


I also knew that he now had a shaved head. But what I was not prepared for was his sheer and utter gayness. Holy crap. This man is married?


This is, like, the gayest man on the dancefloor. EVER.

Let's take a small trip down memory lane...

It all started out on "Gimme A Break!"...


Even in the 80s, I remember thinking he had dorky hair. However, I so love the sister's hair who is wearing the orange sweater... and my mom had a perm & glasses like the girl in plaid.

Then there was a big jobless gap while he struggled as a "tween."

And then... the career rejuvenating early 90s TV show, "Blossom," that annoying sitcom with the unattractive, big-nosed Mayim Biyalik (sp?) girl, who thought she was a fashion icon for young teenagers, but she really just looked pretty ridiculous all the time...


Anyway, I am proud to say I considered myself "too cool" for that show and never watched it, but somehow Joey Lawrence figured into the plot, and suddenly young women across America (who clearly were too young to remember his heinous bowlcut in the olden days) thought he was hot...

I'm pretty sure that irritating "Whooooaaa!" came from this show.

He was soon gracing the tasteful centerfolds of "Teen Beat" and "Bop!"...

He sure is no Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, or Corey Haim! Puhh-leaze.

He seems to have disappeared in the late-90s, resurfacing only occasionally to don the Kraftwerk techno sunglasses while attending debut events with his cling-on clone brothers...

"German style rocks it."

In the early 21st century, he had muted the Dieter look into a softer rose tint in a metal frame a la Tim Robbins...

However, I don't think he'd begun to pluck the brows yet.

This is what I deem "the hot phase"...

... he looks pretty good here actually. He has a good face, nice features, thick hair.

But a year or two later, while still attractive, I think he began to show signs of "overgrooming"...

The tinted locks and the very obviously waxed eyebrows are just too pretty. I'm getting a gaydar reading here.

It appears as though he slowly ventured into baldness...

... starting first with the Beckham short cut.

Although, no one can ever beat the real deal...

Without a doubt the world's hottest man. Except for my boyfriend, who reads this, that is.

Oh, sorry, I just got off track... yes, back to Joey...

And then suddenly, he just started looking waaaay gay...

Could it be the tan? The brows? The METALLIC SHIRT?

I mean, it's all so...

... DR. EVIL.

And this promo picture disturbs me.

Does the cocked brow signify his goal of world dominance? Dancing lust? Eyeing the photographer's package?

Or recreating the King & I? Yes! That's it! The King & I!!


Oh... wait, no. Perhaps it's Mr. Clean?...


Well, whatever the hell it is, it's not a good look, Joey! You look like a ridiculous gay Daddy Warbucks, and you're not even suffering from male pattern baldness.

And on that note, I am hitting the hay. I can think about Joey Lawrence and his grooming habits no more.