Costume Adventures

Around noon today, after returning from the gym, I decided I needed a Halloween costume.

I had exactly one hour to think of something, put it together, and get to Iraqi Arabic class. With such short time, I had no choice but to head up the street to my nemesis -- also known as the heinous strip mall with Fry's grocery and the dollar store -- where every disgusting piece of white trash in Tucson hangs out on weekdays.


Let's go to Fry's, bitch! I need me some more Natty Lights!

Despite my better judgment, I entered Fry's and looked high and low for fuzzy cat ears in the Halloween section until a foul man with bleached blonde hair and dark grey teeth and his Hispanic sidekick covered in tattoos and earrings and swearing up a sailor-style storm started hovering nearby looking for stuff to scare children (or so they said). They finally grossed me out to the point that I couldn't stay in that store for one more second.


Let's scare those goddamn kids, Juan!

So I turned to Plan B... which entailed visiting the Dollar Store next door. I realized I shouldn't have bothered when I saw a broken glow stick and a soiled wig lying on the industrial carpet near the entryway. There wasn't much else to pick through, as the place had been pretty much combed clean of all things orange and black. It appears the Dollar Store is now in full Christmas swing.

Disappointed, but not ready to quit searching for something from which to make a costume, I then headed to biggest loser of the white trash strip mall triumvirate... the 99 cent store. (Yes, you know you're in trouble when a strip mall has two dollar stores). I try to avoid this 99 cent store as it's owned by Koreans, and much as I love Koreans (their dry cleaning and convenience stores specifically), they have shitty dollar stores that specialize primarily in grandma-like knick-knacks and silk flowers, neither of which I have any use for.


Like this crap. Precious Moments, or just plain ugly.

However, I was desperate. I wandered to the back of the store after quickly glancing at the granny purses and umbrellas and dish detergent toward the front, and it was there that I came upon the jackpot... a David Bowie Ziggy Stardust gold & shiny mullet wig...



Just as I grabbed the gold mullet, I heard a loud belch right behind me, where an old man and his polyester-clad wife stood browsing for silk orchids. I stared for an extra long second, just to register my disgust, and his wife said, "Oh, honey, that girl is staring at you!" After which the man apologized, I felt embarrassed, and then, to ease the moment, I said something like "Oh, I thought it was a Halloween toy making noise." And then he said I sounded like I was from the East Coast, and then I said I was, and then we made some lame small talk about the East while I secretly wished I were anywhere else but there in that terrible store talking to this burping man.

And this was my one-hour adventure. I did end up riding my bike to class as Ziggy Stardust, clad in my golden metallic mullet, green eye shadow, and green lipstick, and wearing a black tee, jean capris, skull-design knee socks, and my special black moon boots that I don't wear very often (and haven't worn once since being here in AZ until today, as it's generally too warm here to stand wearing them).

I'm not sure it was worth the trouble, but Halloween is only once a year, and I hate being a party pooper so perhaps my effort was worth something.

Now, to bed...